How to Overcome Grief and Become More Resilient -

Life is full of ups and downs. And, sometimes the loss it causes can be very difficult to accept. But what happens cannot be reversed by us. So, we must learn how to cope with grief and overcome the challenges it imposes on our life.

Loss of something makes us sad, depressed, feeling conflicted with our own self. The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.

But the grief inside our heart projects itself differently for different person. Some may show social withdrawal, others may become violent, irrational. But sometimes the identity of a person changes entirely.

But nobody wants to go through such challenges, such changes. Even the ones who left wouldn’t want to see us in such a condition (Well most of the time). So, we should know more about grief so that we may face one of the most difficult and inevitable situations of our life and come back in one piece.

Most of us associate grief with the loss of someone or something that we cherished. It is correct but doesn’t show the full picture.

Every person is different and they treat different situations differently. An incidence may not be much of a big deal for someone but it might break another person to pieces. Someone might get fired from a job and happily declare it in tweeter but another person might just lose all hope in face of same situation.

That’s why we should always stay vigilant about the behavior of someone who faced any sort of difficulties because we don’t know how they feel about that. A list of possible reason to feel depressed is given below –

· Divorce or Breakup.

· Getting severely ill.

· Losing a job.

· Financial instability.

· A miscarriage.

· Developing Chronic Disease.

· Retirement.

· Death of a pet.

· Failure to fulfill a dream.

· A loved one’s serious illness.

· Loss of a friend.

· Losing a Limp or bodily function due to an accident.

· Trauma.

· Selling the family home or heirloom.

· Or, simply moving out of a place or Seeing children grow up and leave in search of life.

Any sort of thing that can create a blank space in heart, that can create a feeling of emptiness can cause grief and bring out its fangs at us.

And the best way to prevent it is to speak up. Some of the listed items above are trivial things and most people don’t feel much about them.

But the fact is someone might already have their hands full with other problems and this small matter might just give them the final push to start to change. We seriously still know very little about our own selves. Especially when it comes to the topic of psychology. As every people have their own weaknesses and shortcomings.

Stages of Grief –

There are Five accepted stages of Grief. Namely –

· Denial:

This is the first normal response to grief. Whenever we hear something bad, we don’t want to believe it immediately. This is a temporary defensive mechanism our body uses to deal with a sudden rush of emotion.

· Anger:

As reality sets in we feel frustrated and helpless. And to release these feelings, our mind turns them into anger. To be angry towards a loved one who died and left you alone is natural, too.

· Bargaining:

During this stage, we dwell on what we could’ve done to prevent the loss. Common thoughts are “If only…” and “What if…” we may also try to do actively do something to feel somewhat at ease.

· Depression:

With time sadness sets in and we begin to understand the loss and its effect on our life. Signs of depression include crying, sleep issues, and a decreased appetite may also be seen. One may also feel overwhelmed, regretful, and lonely.

· Acceptance:

This is the final stage of grief, we come to an agreement with the loss. We accept that it can’t be changed. Although we still feel sad, we start to move forward with our life.

What We Should Do to be Resilient and Overcome Grief –

Whenever we go through something bad there are no end of people to shower us with condolence. Even though they all mean good for us but all their actions leave us feeling like a victim, a victim that cannot do anything about the situation they are in.

And this feeling sucks. And in a sad and depressive moment this feeling is the last thing that we want in our minds.

Sometimes the nice gestures of people are taken negatively by us and it leads to even more trouble. So, what are the best things to do in such a situation?

Well, there are tons of things we can do to overcome grief. And many are backed by good research. But some of them are just much more flexible and versatile than others and we should focus our attention towards them. They are –

· Once you have calmed down and level-headed don’t go on asking yourself “Why me!” instead try to visualize all the people around you and what sorts of misery they are going through. Ask yourself “Why Not Me!”.

This sounds absurd as if you are being told to ask for more pain. But no, whenever something bad happens we feel pitiful, miserable. And the best way to counter them is to look at others misery preferably at those who are going through more painful situations than yours and try to comprehend how you would have felt in their shoes.

Nowadays we think our life should like those Instagram influencers all shiny and glittery. But the reality doesn’t look like that. Those happy people you see in social media have their own share of pain and suffering just because they don’t show doesn’t mean they don’t have them.

So, change your focus from shiny life to those suffering and try to accept the reality. This way you can prevent yourself from becoming a mental victim and save yourself from a lot of trouble.

· Focus your attention to things you can do. Look at around you and see what needs to be done. Ask yourself should I sit here and cry or should I go outside & look for a job.

Find it. There has to be something that needs to be done. You need to find that something and focus your attention, strength, and mind to do it.

Now, it is not so easy as it sounds to be. Because we as humans love to circle around things that we cannot change. Our mind loves the negative emotion. This is our minds defensive mechanism and it means good but not in this case.

So, even if it is hard you must find that something that needs your attention. It doesn’t need to be something you enjoy because in this state even the most delicious food will taste bland in your mouth.

It has to be something you feel needs to be done. Only that such thing can help you to change your sight from pain to duty and prevent you from being swallowed up by negative emotion. And with time your will start to accept the reality and live on with the scar. In psychology, such an action is termed as “Benefit Finding”.

You can also use something to divert your attention. Like a large piece of bright colored paper saying “Be Grateful” or “Hunt the Good Stuff or Job” etc. These things will divert your attention and allow you to think even for a moment about other things that need to be done other than the sadness.

· And the last one is a question used in therapies. Ask yourself is what you are doing going to do you harm or good? Ask yourself this question multiple times throughout the day and you will for sure start to see the difference it makes.

You can use this question in many contexts. Like at a certain night you find yourself crying all of a sudden because you remembered something bad or how a bad thing is coming at you. At that time ask yourself is crying going to solve the problem or will these teardrops become gold or silver?

Whenever you do something ask yourself this question and it is not only very useful for coping with grief and depression but can also come handy in our day-to-day life. Simply asking ourself something like that allows us to rethink about the circumstance and many times we can find some problems or difficulties that we missed earlier and eventually saving us a great deal of trouble.

We call people that can cope with pain and suffering resilient people. But this resilience is not something we are born with. It's not like some people have it and others don’t.

We just don’t use the processing system needed to be resilient. We don’t think like the way we should. We prioritize pain and our own self above everything, we think we are having the worst. But that is completely false.

Nowadays how many times do we ask someone how are they doing outside of professional greeting? How many times did we ask our friends and family is everything okay with their life?

We don’t ask such questions frequently and that’s why we don’t know what others are facing. Sure, we see a lot of pain through the social media but that place is full of fake happiness and it does more harm than any good it does.

That’s why it is good to spend time in reality than virtuality in times of need, in times of difficulties. Cutting back that wine, limiting time to social medias fake happiness, stopping self-blame etc. can do a lot more for us than it seems.

Symptoms of Grief –

Emotional Symptoms –

· Shock and Disbelief

· Sadness

· Guilt

· Anger

· Fear

Physical Symptoms –

· Fatigue

· Nausea

· Lowered immunity

· Weight Loss or Weight Gain

· Aches and Pain

· Insomnia

Complicated Grief Symptoms –

The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn’t remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships.

Symptoms of complicated grief include:

· Intense longing and yearning for your deceased loved one

· Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one

· Denial of the death or sense of disbelief

· Imagining that your loved one is alive

· Searching for your deceased loved one in familiar places

· Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one

· Extreme anger or bitterness over your loss

· Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

If your loved one’s death was sudden, violent, or otherwise extremely stressful or disturbing, complicated grief can manifest as psychological trauma or PTSD. If your loss has left you feeling helpless and struggling with upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away, you may have been traumatized. But with the right guidance, you can make healing changes and move on with your life.

When to Seek Professional Assistance –

If you’re experiencing symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression and you think that the state of you is beyond your capabilities, talk to a mental health professional. As such mental pain if left for a prolonged period of time can lead to significant emotional change, health problems, and desire for suicide.

Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:

· Feel like life isn’t worth living and just want to die.

· Wish you had been the one to die or died along with your loved one.

· Blame yourself for the current situation and completely shut yourself in that thought.

· Feel like alienated from others.

· Feel like others look at you with disgust for such a failure.

· Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss.

· Are unable to perform your normal daily activities.

All the above thoughts are based on the Book of Dr. Lucy Hone’s “What Abi Taught Us: A Mother's Struggle to Come to Terms with her Daughter's Death” and other references are below.